Because I just spent like 20 minutes typing this up for a post asking for jokes, here is my favorite of all time:
A dude walks into a bar but doesn't have any money on him. So he says to the bartender, "If I can amaze you beyond anything you've ever seen before in your life, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender figures he's seen a lot of things in his line of work over the years, so he agrees to the deal. The man then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny little piano and sets it on the bar. Then he reaches into another pocket and pulls out a tiny little piano bench and sets it in front of the piano, then into a third pocket and produces a hamster, which he then sets on the piano bench. He lifts the lid off the keyboard and the hamster begins to play.
Suddenly everyone in the bar goes quiet. Conversations are halted mid-sentence. People who were about to take a shot miss their mouths entirely. Jaws drop. Everyone is captivated, listening to this beautiful sonata played masterfully by a tiny hamster. A few minutes later, the hamster finishes and the man puts him back in the pocket from which he was produced, the bench goes back in its pocket, the man closes the lid of the piano and returns it to the first pocket.
Obviously the bartender is completely amazed, and gives him his free drink. When the man finishes that drink, he decides he would like another. So he calls the bartender over again and says "If I can amaze you beyond what I just now showed you, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender can't possibly fathom what this guy is going to do to top a piano-playing hamster, but he's dying to know, so of course he agrees to this deal.
The man reaches into his first pocket and produces the piano again and sets it on the bar. Then into his second pocket and pulls out the piano bench again. From his third pocket, he pulls out the hamster and once again sets him on the piano bench and lifts the lid, signaling the hamster to start playing again. Then he puts his hand into a fourth pocket and brings out a tiny little dog, which he sets next to the hamster and the piano.
The dog opens his mouth and begins to sing with this amazing operatic voice. Once again, a hush falls over the bar. Everyone stops what they are doing to listen to this gorgeous cantata, accompanied by the hamster. Tears well up in people's eyes, they are so moved by this performance.
The hamster and tiny dog finish their piece, the dog takes a bow and the man puts him back in his fourth pocket. The hamster is returned to the third pocket, the bench to the second, and, after carefully closing the lid on the piano again, he puts it back in the first pocket.
Once again, of course the bartender is stunned and gladly pours the man another drink and slides it over to him. Eventually someone who was sitting in one of the booths approaches the man and offers him $100,000 for the dog. He accepts, takes the money, hands over the dog, and returns to sipping his beverage.
The bartender, having witnessed the exchange, says to the man "Why would you do that? That dog is worth millions! You could be on Ellen, America's Got Talent, The Today Show, whatever you want! What were you thinking?"
The man motions to the bartender to come closer, and then whispers in his ear:
"The hamster is a ventriloquist."
A dude walks into a bar but doesn't have any money on him. So he says to the bartender, "If I can amaze you beyond anything you've ever seen before in your life, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender figures he's seen a lot of things in his line of work over the years, so he agrees to the deal. The man then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny little piano and sets it on the bar. Then he reaches into another pocket and pulls out a tiny little piano bench and sets it in front of the piano, then into a third pocket and produces a hamster, which he then sets on the piano bench. He lifts the lid off the keyboard and the hamster begins to play.
Suddenly everyone in the bar goes quiet. Conversations are halted mid-sentence. People who were about to take a shot miss their mouths entirely. Jaws drop. Everyone is captivated, listening to this beautiful sonata played masterfully by a tiny hamster. A few minutes later, the hamster finishes and the man puts him back in the pocket from which he was produced, the bench goes back in its pocket, the man closes the lid of the piano and returns it to the first pocket.
Obviously the bartender is completely amazed, and gives him his free drink. When the man finishes that drink, he decides he would like another. So he calls the bartender over again and says "If I can amaze you beyond what I just now showed you, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender can't possibly fathom what this guy is going to do to top a piano-playing hamster, but he's dying to know, so of course he agrees to this deal.
The man reaches into his first pocket and produces the piano again and sets it on the bar. Then into his second pocket and pulls out the piano bench again. From his third pocket, he pulls out the hamster and once again sets him on the piano bench and lifts the lid, signaling the hamster to start playing again. Then he puts his hand into a fourth pocket and brings out a tiny little dog, which he sets next to the hamster and the piano.
The dog opens his mouth and begins to sing with this amazing operatic voice. Once again, a hush falls over the bar. Everyone stops what they are doing to listen to this gorgeous cantata, accompanied by the hamster. Tears well up in people's eyes, they are so moved by this performance.
The hamster and tiny dog finish their piece, the dog takes a bow and the man puts him back in his fourth pocket. The hamster is returned to the third pocket, the bench to the second, and, after carefully closing the lid on the piano again, he puts it back in the first pocket.
Once again, of course the bartender is stunned and gladly pours the man another drink and slides it over to him. Eventually someone who was sitting in one of the booths approaches the man and offers him $100,000 for the dog. He accepts, takes the money, hands over the dog, and returns to sipping his beverage.
The bartender, having witnessed the exchange, says to the man "Why would you do that? That dog is worth millions! You could be on Ellen, America's Got Talent, The Today Show, whatever you want! What were you thinking?"
The man motions to the bartender to come closer, and then whispers in his ear:
"The hamster is a ventriloquist."
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